human notes from the ethers..................

I have rare moments when i consider what it might be like to have an accounting degree and know that is what I do, how I make a living, how I make money, how others see me, how I am defined.... and then I could hang a 12 x 16 inch, ordered by mail gold lettered, black background shingle on an office door, which by the way, is in a multi-floored, three elevator, twenty offices per floor,  business building with 200 other easy to understand what it is they do work alcoholics and offer to the world a linear job description which rings of basic, easy to comprehend answers when one asks you at one of the many cocktail parties or after work mixers; what do you do ?............but, alas, such is not what i signed up for this life time.

I am first of all a woman of God, a minister, a teacher of metaphysics, of faith, of Love - yet I am also; an Empath, Master Energy Intuitive, an Emotional Intuitive and a bit of medium-ship often pops up as well as clairvoyance & clairaudience. Makes it hard to know what to put on a 12 x 16 sign.  I have been doing this life consciously and by my own choice and deep gratitude since I became aware of these gifts for over twenty years. I have been living this life unconsciously since I was born. Living with me is not easy; ask myself or my very patient, loving, kind, husband.(However, do not ask my son who thinks I am crazy.)

Being an empath, I have learned to live with. I no longer pick up other peoples unwanted emotions or illnesses; I hold very healthy boundaries, i am not susceptible to another persons pain. I am very fortunate and grateful for this.  

But, yet and also; being an Emotional Intuitive, my heart is open to other persons emotional personality, my emotional radar is constantly on, sighting one who is lying to themselves, not being honest, in great pain, sad, nervous, afraid, and then it has another layer of where this comes from, what the seed is and then i am able to offer shifts to put new order to the interior chaos of what is showing up in ones life; but only if one chooses to listen, hear and act. And here is my ongoing issue, what do i do with all this to benefit others? What good does this do?

Like any addict, until someone is ready, they will not stop. It is true with anyone. Until WE as individuals are ready to make a change, we will not seek to do so. Be that this is truth and an Energy Medicine 101 facet - some days all that i am able to 'see' can be deafening.  I retreat to bed and stay.  Yes, I do spend much time alone, in contemplation, prayer and simply being.

Example: Recently a client who left her body and went home to the Light. She did not walk this spiritual path of awakening consciously - she had a very rare form of lung cancer (lungs representing fear of life) and she graciously and determinedly came to me till she literally could no longer make the walk from her car to my door. Our times together were beautiful. She received well. I know our communion supported her in many ways - BUT, when I gently would prod at the fear piece, when I could see that materialism was her addiction, when I knew she was lying to ma & herself about her life; she was not ready and could not and would not see any of that. I love(d) her, our time was lovely and I know on a conscious and unconscious level the work, talks and love certainly supported her journey. She passed right before I moved to our new home. 

I realize every one's journey is unique to them, I know all the intellectual and metaphysical and spiritual truth and rules and guidance; but my emotional body sees anothers' healing potential and I want so very much to support someone to walk through and make the shifts. In this case, i was not able to; it was  written. I get it, but i am still humanly frustrated. 

I recently met her husband. He came to me for a session, knowing how much his wife loved coming to me. The saddest thing for me was all my thoughts, all my knowing were confirmed. Every single intuit I had about her was confirmed by him - not because i asked, heavens no!; but through casual conversation and sharings......all i had intuit was revealed to be her truth. One of the times when; 'oh, i was right, damn'. 

Then I question should I have pushed? I know the answer, but i still wonder. I ask over and over, gave her many times to see the truth, I guided her to it gently, i did my job...it simply was not meant to be.

Knowing what to do with such gifts or purpose has been and remains the challenge for me. This work is a dance - and to serve the highest purpose possible, which is my clients/humanity's freedom, we must dance the dance of honesty of oneself. It is not easy to meet someone and know more about them than they see themselves. It is very awkward.  It does no purpose, unless a person chooses to invite me into their lives and support their journey to Self, to God, to understanding Love. The ones who have done this, the souls who have, with such humble courage, invited me into their hearts - there are no words for my gratitude. Without you, I do not live my purpose, my calling. My gifts serve no good. And to be honest, I simply want more of that, I want to live my calling every day, to serve humanity one soul at a time - or perhaps in a group, but I want to be doing this.  I see the highest in you, the most magnificent Divinity which you came from - and I can help you see it also.....if you want to.

after all else is gone..............

This is my first middle of the night early morning visit of private computer liaison-ing in our new home. (One of my favorite pastimes. The house is quiet, life is asleep, darkness of the nighttime offers  different sounds, noises and vibrations than when the sun is awake. This is one of those precious things my eldest brother and i have in common; up and at it when everyone else is resting.) My family and I have been moving since January - between packing, searching and unpacking; which is still not yet complete - and it is May. That's correct, five months of life. Feeling necessary and wasteful all at the same time. Ugh. Necessary - how else to move ones family and sixty years of life without giving time and attention to the all encumbering process, and wasteful for I have been taken up with 'stuff' other than what I love, what feeds me, what nurtures me and makes me feel whole - was there another way?

House searching, the entire purchasing process, the art of negotiating; none of these my strong suit. Packing - touching, holding, caressing, thinking, pondering, gifting, selling, throwing; all of the tangible artifacts of ones life. And then there is the emotional bonds; what we know, our friends, the roads one drives every day, the people at the check out line at the grocery store, the loved ones, the beloveds, ones personal history, the stories, the birthplace; the all of it! Wow, talk about being unraveled. Yes, that is how it feels right now, I have been unraveled. This is one way to find out what is at my center - what holds me together, what truly is at the heart of me. How I pray to God I feel good about what I find. 

Really. Life does that. It unravels you, if you let it. Sure, we can keep going, dancing the dance of whatever it is we use to keep from seeing our own centers, our own hearts....we can continue the addictions, keep the crazy going, keep finding projects, things that are wrong, not right, out of alignment, seeking experiences to do or things that need fixing; or, we can be with ourselves and see what is left after all else is gone.

I am getting close. To the unraveled state. One more box. 16 days of daily unpacking. (Let us not ignore thirty days  of putting all the stuff IN the boxes!) One more box to open. Why did I leave it? Well, I need this shelf put in the closet in order to put the items in the one more box on....so, one more box. After that, there will be the rearranging, the moving from garage to attic to cellar. Then I also started yet another box of items I am still willing to part with - more stuff to sell, gift, give or toss. The accumulation of linear stuff is excruciatingly burdening. Yet, I was honestly not ready to do a more massive size down; and I did let many beloved items go - and yet there is still more.........

I left the arranging of my office for last. Yesterday it kicked my butt. The hallway was impossible to pass through, because all the boxes of stuff I had to unpack and fit into my office were taking up space in the hall while the paint dried inside the office. But, yesterday I started, and it truly kicked my butt. It is a much smaller space than my previous office. Much. I questioned; what do I really need to do my work? I need a space to sit and my clients need a place to sit. Other than that, it is all want. I want my desk, my files, my books. I like working  with  flower essences and crystals and offering body work on a healing massage table - but all I really NEED is two chairs across from one another and silence, privacy. That is what makes the space sacred. The eye contact - the meeting of two hearts, the holy connection. That is truly all I need. BUT, because I am obviously still too human and not enlightened enough to let go of all the 'stuff', I am wondering; how will it all fit? 

While searching for a home, in meditation one day when I knew this was the house, I asked God about the size of the office and was told I would be doing my work differently. My work would change. I always thought I was good with change so surprise on me, I am still fighting it. (ah, that trickster the ego!) Because of my faith that God knows more than I, I have absolutely no doubt, my new office space will become whatever lovely is on the linear plane and healing, hope and faith will emerge in this new room as it has in all my other work spaces; BUT i still don't see it. And perhaps I will not be totally unraveled until I do - until I can get up in the midst of the night, walk into my scared space, sit in my chair and speak with God, listen to God, feel my own Holy Connection - access that space which tells me all else is gone and THIS is what is left. This. This feeling of fullness, wholeness, connection no matter where one is, no matter where one lives no matter how far we travel from our linear homes - no matter how many places we nest, no matter how many boxes we pack and unpack; we always come home to God.

(You know what, I feel it right now. That space of Holy connection, that vibration of fullness...i found it again - did I? Was it lost? No, I was lost. The unraveled is always present - it just takes letting go of whatever we are in the midst of to feel it - get naked with our judgements, our thoughts - get out of our own ways - so we can feel the most precious of precious knowings; that after all else is gone, God Is.)

feelings

i have been experiencing a conundrum recently. and more and more it, this particular conundrum, continues to show its face. another words, more and more folks are willing to show up and push an uncomfortable button for me, so i have to see something. i believe it all became clear in my morning meditation. since i know any and all writing referring to our emotional life is a bridge we share as humans, i will now share with you my teeny, tiny, minute, speck of a speck of awakening awareness.

first off, let me share, i have done this work. BUT there are always ongoing moments in our personal expansion where a teaching, an awareness, goes into new layers, updated wounds, present experiences...and behold!  recently, for a bit of background or rather a jumping off point; i have been deeply challenged with other humans, their responses or non responses, the way we treat one another, peoples lack of kindness....etc., etc., etc.. and tie that all up with a longing to communicate, but challenged and feeling this is so not where i want to be, we are obviously so far apart on this matter, that i am not communicating........ which is very much not me, causing me more discomfort. yes, conundrum.

i spoke with God this morning, and all others in the world of Light, who love and support me, to show me the way through this jungle. two people are waiting for responses, deserving responses, and i am 'holding back'. i am not a natural at the holding pattern. it is not my comfort zone. over the past few weeks certain historical comments were playing through my memory; one was a former minister/mentor who once told me i would be a great minister, if i only liked people. i have given that fleeting comment much attention over the past 12 years. and this morning i brought it up again in my one on one with God. it went along with my stated truth; i do not like to chat about human emotion. i like to lead folks to seeing the God in a situation, to think about God, to bring love into any situation, to support them to call themselves up higher, to give God and our faith the front row seat in any experience, conversation, action; but to dwell on human emotion is not where i want to be. i realized i did not want to respond for many reasons; the first and foremost was that it was all about human emotion. going back and forth about  human emotions is like a boring game of ping pong. we will not get anywhere - until we turn our face and heart to God.

then this happened: i sat and breathed the mantra; I trust God....and waited. I visioned it tattooed on my left forearm, TRUST GOD.

God:
Deborah these are YOUR feelings.

1. Do not feel guilt, shame or judgement about your feelings.They are just your feelings. Its okay, they are just what you feel. That's it, they are for you, not for them. And their feelings are for them, not for you. You don't have to do anything with their feelings and they are not responsible for doing anything with or for yours.

2. Do not blame anyone else for your feelings. No other person, nor their actions or responses, or non responses are responsible for your feelings.

3. Own your feelings. Stand with them. No shame, no judgement. They are simply what you feel. Its okay. There is no right or wrong, remember?  Share if the relationship requires it, or if you so want to; but share in standing with them as your own, without expectations the other person will change to make you feel better.


A weight lifted. The room became lighter. This which I know and teach and have used in mediation over and over again; went to a new level with in me.

Then I went back to a couple of months ago when a FaceBook friend wrote about; how do we speak our truth? and one response was, 'no one else is interested, people only hear what they want to'. and my thought is always, people only hear what they are able to. the vibration of a statement has to correlate with a vibration in their own energy field in order for the truth to have a landing spot, a bridge to connect with, the silent language skills of the thought. we cannot be responsible for another persons reactions. we cannot blame anyone for not hearing us or getting us or seeing us. we cannot hide from our own feelings, or own truths of what we are being in a moment of time. we cannot force. we cannot make ourselves or anyone else wrong. we must, as mediation offers, stand with one another in love; even when it is most uncomfortable.

i have discovered through this uncomfortable journey of time recently, i was blaming others, holding them accountable, not liking the fact that i was not liking them, judging all over the place, myself mostly and them. and yet, there is the HUMAN part which just makes me want to shut the door and run. do not pull me in there, i will not go with you, i stand here with God, with what are my feelings, and just are that, my feelings. and  if we stand in different spots, we stand apart and we must let that be okay and TRUST.

Monkey Mind Inventory

I write unsure that my thoughts 'fit' this venue, as readers have been led to expect spiritual, God evolving ideas and stories....but i yearn to share, so be it. And, IT is all God......and IT is my blog, I can do this, right? My hope is to share without alienating any recipients. Please forgive me now, this makes both our lives easier.

I am in the midst of the book, "and I shall have some peace there". I purchased this little gem of a trade paperback, for  the understated  sale price of $7.98  in my favorite Northampton book shop. Drawn once again to yet another book of a woman seeking herself among this road of human emotions and heart wrenching callings. This is a memoir by a woman, Margaret Roach, who was Martha Stewart's right hand person until she left the big M conglomerate, in search of peace outside the NYC life, to live on her small farm, which sits atop a knoll on the other side of the Massachusetts Berkshires in New York - in order, to garden. And left unsaid; to find her sanity once again, if she ever had it all.

Those of you who know me, know I live on an old farm homestead in the midst of 38 acres, in quiet hard to leave solitude. Since moving here almost four years ago, any social life outside these two hundred year old walls has become almost, thanks to die hard patient friends, null and void. In this tiny New England town of Boxford, it is yet another below freezing January morning. Sitting with tea in bed seems perfectly fitting. But i did not begin to write until i put on my brand new L.L. Bean delivered and washed yesterday extra soft cotton on sale long underwear,  UNDER my pajamas of sweats and  my husbands extra large all cotton long underwear top. Yes, i am chilled cold to the bone.Take to imagine a mature yet light hearted most of the time woman in bed with layers of our favorite fabric in all sorts of patterns and thicknesses, donning a purple knit hat, bespectacled, alone in her king sized bed for her hard working mate is off to work, typing away to make sense of her interior monkey mind thoughts. Oh, and sipping ginger tea.

Well, there is the set up. What this is really about is I have an ominous  birthday this year of 2014. I have never been one to be concerned with age. For the better parts of my 20's on, i never really knew my age, i had to do the math to be sure that I was being honest when anyone asked. I have friends of all ages. But this year, this year I know. It feels significant. And every day since New Years Eve, I have given it some thought. Not out of fear, but out of I believe, disappointment; as well as interest in being aware of this process of aging.

In recent years i have been aware of not belonging to the present or near present social generation, nor do I wish to. Yes, that sounds pompous, sad and a bit discouraging, but it is honest. I can look at People magazine and not know a soul. I do not like most of the music. I prefer hard beige file folders to keeping it all on the computer. I like to feel what I read, touch a tangible something. I will never get a Kindle. I am also very proper, not causal. I use real napkins, polish silver and do not like paper plates. I like manners and 'no problem' is not an appropriate response under any realm. I have flexible yet staunch lines of expected behavior when one is a guest and i expect others to know what they are, which of course, many do not. This is my problem, not theirs. I am aware enough to appreciate our differences, but some may say New England enough and WASP enough to still want them to know.  Fortunately for my own mental health  I am a woman of God, a faith filled soul and my love for everyone overrides my menial and unimportant provincial expectations; yet, they remain.  

I am tired. I am not sure if two weeks in the Caribbean would help, but given the opportunity I would try it.  I spend more and more time in my studio creating art. I am looking for new ways to create money flow in my life. I am seeking to live more out-loud than i have been. Some may say that would be hard to do, but I look at myself, take a soon to be 60 year inventory and see that i am relatively uninteresting. I never really thought so, but in looking out at so many courageous and interesting people, i have lived a very mundane, uninteresting life. My world on this earth plane is very small. This type of realization makes me wonder if I have made a difference at all?

As I look at my younger friends and acquaintances, I see them seeking to do self righteous work under the realm of service in order to better other peoples lives. (How many of us do this in order to avoid looking at our own?) I to, along with many of my sisterhood and some brotherhood, have taken this path, perhaps that is why i see it so clearly. I have loved and am humbled to have lived a small life of service. I hung a shingle of minster, healer, counselor and have met and served a few along the way; but it has remained relatively small and I do not believe earth shattering, as my ego had intentioned. A few partnerships have been life lending, and may even have been life saving, but in truth, it has not been the huge venue I had envisioned. I am just a regular person, not Mother Teresa.   

I have never been one called to travel in order to find spiritual comfort. I have never been one in search of anything over there. I am in pure joy in the supermarket when i run into an old friend and they stop to share time with me. That has been enough.

I enjoy my own company and often wonder how egoistical is that?  I do not enjoy talking on the phone. I use to love to sit  and delve into all the monkey mind stuff. Now it is a bit exhausting.  I love to pray alone.  I want to talk about God all the time. I want to be in joy. I want to be wild, to be free of all my shoulds. I love to paint, to create, to produce anything which will bring more joy to another persons life and also relieve me of my interior bottled up 'whatevers'. 

So, today i lounge in bed, freeing my mind of thoughts, relishing in an ongoing inventory of this life i have led and am in.  As we turn 60, if anything at all, we really should try to be as an honest with ourselves as we can be. I really want to just hang in bed today; read, write. I really want to paint today.  I really want to not answer the phone today. I really want to be humbling honest and simply be who i am in the midst of everyone's opinions and stuff. i have learned that JOY is an inside job. I have learned that i may say this now, and a moment latter I may feel something different. Everything changes.  I have learned that no one can help you but yourself; you must do your own work.  I have learned that God is everything. All I have, from the clothes on my body to food, to friends to love; comes to me through the Creator. I do nothing, God does it all. God pays me, feeds me, houses me. 

Oh, so i did make it around to a spiritual venue after all.............

The Light of Magic

If I could only have one dream, one prayer, one desire - it would be and is - may no one ever miss the magic.

This season of light constantly reminds us of magic. The awe in faces of all  ages when in darkness and light appears is a daily breath of joy. Watching a community tree lighting, or a Jew lighting their menorah for Hanukah each evening, or children seeing the Christmas tree go on or even myself, at 59, rising early and lighting the holiday tree in the dark living room and sitting, and being, in the wonder of the Light.

When my mother in law had Alzheimer's my husband and I would drive her each evening (for it was always new to her & therefore, constant authentic joy!)  around the neighborhood to see the holiday lights. It was quite extravagant, in suburban Boston, to see the multi lit cull-de-sacs, the reindeer, Santa Clauses of all sizes, the colors, the whites, the blinking, the trees! It was a feast for the soul. This drive conjured up the feeling of pure magic, in each of us.

I have given much thought to the words light and magic this season. How important the word Light is - we use it in so many different manners - and all good, all positive, all beneficial. Light emerges from the darkness. Lightness makes graceful the burdens. The Light of God. Walk Lightly. Tread Lightly. Light as in weight, Light as  in God, Light as in the Sun, Light as in to see, Star Light, Light, Light, Light.

And Magic!! The Magi, the magic of the Season, Magical. I ask this often; do you believe in Magic? Is a miracle the outcome, the effect of magic?   And does it take Light to create a miracle, is Light the juju for magic?

And what exactly is magic.al? The relief of our burdens? The moment when we can breathe again? Pure joy emanating from our hearts? God tears in our eyes?

Magic for me is the same as a miracle; that which I cannot do myself. That which I alone cannot create. That which I know God did, my angels performed, Divine Intervention was the cause......that which happens as I pray, that which feels like soul food, that which breaks my heart wide open and it feels good! It can be a moment - it can be a evening. It can be with a random stranger or no one else is in the room. BUT, there is a deep knowing, that other than human logic was at work; and those moments, those breaths, those experiences - I want these for everyone.

Divine Anticipation!

One of the many things I find humorous on this planet earth is communication. I so understand why words do not work. I yearn for the non verbal, thought only communicant of the 'other side'. (I expect that to be much more clear!) One of the other aspects of this in body trip is how I think I have clearly and rather well, I might add, communicated my beliefs and thoughts around a subject and the  BAHM!  My more than words can say 'loved Beloveds' address me in a personal heartfelt note/email and I can see; I failed. Or I most certainly missed the mark I meant to convey. So, I am humbled to send this what I pray will clarify my intentions of my previous blog(which I thought was SO good!1??!! - ha-ha on me) to everyone. Because, I do know we are in this as One, and that if two of my closest congregants did not read my intention clearly, there probably are more of you out there. AND I REALLY want you to hear this.

For me, the issue is, I want you to hear what I am feeling. I am feeling excited at the prospect of what next! I am feeling that this HUGE shift we are each in the midst of is EXCITING! I am feeling we are all standing at the cusp of greatness, of the Golden Age - and there is NOTHING to do. ...just be in it and seek your joy.

The loving, sweet email responses to my previous post I received were so beautiful and had so much love and caring in them, my heart was purring. Beloveds apologized for not being able to send money, to how I can do my work to get more clients & exposure, to support groups, etc. ALL and every suggestion ONLY from their love and respect for me and I am deeply blessed by them.

What I was trying to say was, the letting go of, the knowing a cycle of anything is done, over, complete; is not a bad, need to fix, do it better, different, other thing. I am not hanging on. I am in awe of this change. Throughout my ministry I have always known and believed God sends people to me. If God wants a soul to find me; they do. This huge and abrupt shift is a gift from God which has not yet been unwrapped! I know this because I know the many who have been influenced and inspired by this ministry. I know for a fact that if God wanted me to serve others in the way I have been for many years; I would be doing that right now, as often as I have been for the several years. This is not a place of fear my friends; it is a space of Divine anticipation. My life has shown me over and over again; when one door closes, a LARGER and GREATER door awaits; ALL-WAYS. Through my (almost) 60 years around the sun, I have learned through many humbling experiences, that it is not about doing something right, or being good, or anything like that; there is no judgment - everything has a cycle of life. It is nature. Relationships do not always end because there is a wrong, a bad, a fault;  in fact, when we are brutally honest with ourselves, we wanted it to end, we questioned it, we let doubt enter the building; and then things became difficult - and then we blame the difficulty - rather than admit, I really was done. Did I question my counseling/healing work at any point before this door closed? Yes, I did.

Because my personal healing & counseling practice literally stopped; clients canceled, people who owed me never sent checks, appointments went from an average of 20 - 30 hours a week to none - three; I then wrote a year end letter to my Beloveds to check in and see IF there was still a calling for this/my work. My inquiry was not a call for help; but an opportunity to see if this way of being in my life was still desired by enough people for it to be supported.  I have seen that there is not enough support, enough of a desire. This is good information. This does not disappoint me, does not make me fear; it allows me to say okay. To know that I, as in me, has done all I know to do spiritually, prayerfully and on the linear plane to create this ministry; then I am able to let go of any fear around the releasing of it. What do I really want? Where I am truly?  The truth is, it will never be a full release, because I am always serving God first in my heart, from my life, as my life; it is all I know. But what does change, is where I place my intentions, my energy and I am able to release any holds/cords; all in order for God to have a better, easier, more graceful way of redirecting me to where I am to be now.

Thank you each, you know who you are, for your beautiful, love filled emails. Instead of personal emails, I wrote this response, so all can share. We are in this together my friends. My life is amazing. I am and have been so richly blessed, it floors me, brings me to my knees on all the many diverse riches God has bestowed upon me. I know I am in Gods favor - as we all are; but we must let go of fear and anticipate abundance of all kinds in order for this to manifest. And this experience my friends, is done through our faith, our hearts & our being-ness;  not our doing-ness.

'Thank you Mother, Father, God for this incredibly amazing day of love and abundance. May I feel Your every direction, Your every nudge, Your every lead. May I let go of the old and allow  renewal to fill every cell of my body; for the greater is yet to come!'

Time of Restoration

These are new times. It appears things are falling apart, becoming outdated as quickly as we say yes to it, old ways of being, previous interests, that which we are/were hooked into; are no longer working. During the past ten years or so, many have written about old paradigms falling away, no longer working constructs, institutions of longevity no longer functioning, serving or being purposeful - and now we are living it personally. We are standing in the midst of volatile personal change: shedding, detaching, peeling, molting, reformation, letting go of, overhauling, improvement, rectification. The word which has been brought to my attention is 'restorative'. Restorative meaning recuperative and renewal.  Eventually, after a time of upheaval; soothing, invigorating and uplifting will emerge. But first comes the draining facet; where many souls are right now.

Where there is change, if we hold on to old paradigms it is draining. It is the old; hold on and get pulled or let go and ride the wave! Our government is the perfect example of this truth. It is a law of nature. Life is change. That which worked for us years ago, may not work for us now. That which even worked yesterday, may not be positive for us today. Nothing is stagnant. Nothing. There is life  force, God force in all things - and IT is always moving, growing, expanding, releasing, becoming something different than it just was.

The phrase 'let go and let God' has never, in my life, been more relevant. Since I was a child I knew I had to let God handle it. No matter what IT was. I first had this six year old epiphany sitting in between my parents on a cold seat of an original wooden pew at the Second Congregational Church in West Boxford, MA; as the passionate minister was displaying his evangelistic tone with hands raised and black flowing fabric moving rapidly from his arms - his demeanor appeared out of character for this sedate group of New Englanders (and I liked him very much)  - but the view through my child like eyes was that no one else was moving, my mother sat very staid & erect to my right, in a perfect years of modeling back straight mode, not moving her head for fear her magnificent hat would fall; I assumed. Yet my father not only was staid, but asleep. And the entire congregation knew it; for he snored like a mac truck. It was my job to let him sleep, but when he made a gurgling, sinus like, too loud people are starring at us noise; to nudge him, as to not embarrass himself ( or my mother). After several nudges I realized; God, this is up to you. If I fell asleep, I'd be in real trouble!

One of very best gifts we can offer one another is our honesty without self judgment. For years we have each worked on not judging others. We have listened to ourselves through the still small voices of the nasty guides speaking internal comments - which we would never confess to out loud. But now, now is the time to speak our truth without self incrimination, without making ourselves wrong or right, without passing a good or bad, should or could have flag on our own lives. We have worked at being unconditional to and with others; and now, the call is, we MUST be unconditional with our selves as well.

Being a person people confess to and share their fears with is always a sensitive space to hold; one I have been honored to be in. Holding others as they die, comforting families, discussing why suicide, seeing yet another person with cancer, hearing of the death of a child, the struggles of our young men, the pain of being a teenager, the unraveling of marriages, the ideas of what some people do to others, the idea of abuse, emotional turmoil and the list is some days down right infinite. During the holidays is traditionally a challenging time for many. Our emotional baggage is on display for others and our selves to see. Our pains and our joys are triggered with an immensity beyond our human intelligence. Our hearts are opened through the love which embraces our world during this season of darkness and light. And now, in this time of our human journey, we are seeing from the inside out, rather than witnessing the pain and joy of others, many are feeling the lifelong journeys of their own souls discomfort, here in this human body. What worked for us for years, as in jobs, purpose, work - and what we thought were our desires, our dreams, our needs and our wants; is all disintegrating,  dismantling, draining away from us, through us; preparing us for new.

I deeply believe we are in this thing called Life together; and we need one another. I recently read an analogy of each person being a drop of God - and like a symphony, each singular instrument is lovely; but together they are a breathtaking sound of glorious majesty! We each are drops of Godness, and as we come together in this journey we become more than we were apart. When we find love, we are more in partnership through commitment than we were alone. I do believe this is why people seek love of another, rather desperately at times; in order to become more with more Godness, than they were without it. We who love God, who have personal relationships with God know of this love. We know that when we sit in the quiet of a room, void of distraction of our humanness; we can become aware of God, of the greatness of the universal Life force of Love - and it can redeem us - it can rejuvenate us to a state of peace. We who are aware of the love of God know this when we sing out loud in praise & worship. We who know the love of God know this in the quiet moments of holding space for another soul as they leave their human body and travel home to God. When you know the love of God a precious moment of that love can take place at the grocery store, with a stranger asking for help, with a gift of a few dollars to another human in need, or when you watch a child see the magic of the holidays. God is in all things at all times; it happens everywhere. ...that moment, that breath of joy when all else falls way. When we know the love of God through an undeniable and unexplainable faith; one knows that the human spirit is God stuff goodness; and we prevail.

My favorite book of the Bible has always been REVELATIONS. The symbolism is grand, the story of good vs. evil is played out in a movie like largeness, with drama and leading roles. Rainbows, seven seals, seven angels, crystals, jasper, carnelian, emerald, trumpets, seas, 24 white robed elders and fire.  As I look at the bible as the spiritual allegory for mans journey, I have always seen the final book as the crème de la crème. What this book supports for me is that our human journey, no matter how painful, how difficult, how challenging; is worth it.

So, here we are. Some of us like myself, having had work we loved for 30 or more years and all of sudden, it stopped. Ceased. With no human explanation. Obviously something greater than i at work here. So here we are, like myself, with dreams and intentions not being seen after having done everything one knows to do. So here we are, like myself, having asked for support but not receiving it in the way I had imagined. So here we are; letting go of the old, or rather watching it through our faith in that which has not yet been revealed be removed from our lives; and trusting. Trusting the journey of renewal; of letting the old go by, creating space for the new. Trusting - that when the molting, releasing, peeling away of previous and present personal constructs is complete;  we shall be at PEACE; made new, restored.