We're human - get over it.

Once again I struggle with 'the attachment to what you do syndrome.' Please forgive me. (Yes, I've read Ruiz. No, I do not take it personally. Yes, I know you see only from you own perception.) It is a real pain in my day when my humanness decides to remind me I am in this body, on this earth, living and breathing just like the rest of you. damn. This attachment disorder creates havoc in my life - if only for the most minute moment. It will cause me to have restless sleep, sit in company of others with nothing to say because my internal wheels are moving at record speed and depth about who said what, who did what and is there any need for me to shamefully walk myself to the city center and ask to be hung in the gallows by my peers. Yup, that bad. And just when I was having such an incredibly great week. damn again.

This doesn't rear its ugly head very often, most days it is the sleeping nightmare, willing to lay so low and angelically quiet I can pretend it no longer exists, causing me to feel very evolved. (come on now, you know what I mean.)  Fortunately for my spiritual growth, this is not a permanent state of being. Unfortunately, for my open heart and costume of humanness I am wearing in this lifetime -  it holds quite a mean kick in ones own butt. The worse part of it is you have NO idea you have yourself on a pedestal until you are laying splat on the ground awaiting all the kings-men to put you back to together again. know what? they never show. damn those childhood stories. no white knights and no kings-men.

Rarely, but it does happen, I awake from a restless nights' sleep, waiting and wishing to take yesterday and roll it up in a ball, (like stripping the bed of unclean sheets), and tossing the ball away. Pure & simply. Just take all of yesterday and cause it to disintegrate. Sigh. Just forget about it, make it non existent. Yup. Sounds good to me.

Oh, but then, the juicy uncomfortableness which causes me to stretch myself in contorted thinking and emotional gymnastics would be naught. my spirit would lay stagnant - or would it?
Can we truly be non attached to another persons opions, beliefs and actions? Is it humanly possible to call upon our selves to not care, to think of ourselves as so detached and 'evolved' that what ever you do has no affect on me?
Can we live by this code :(......maybe, but will we thrive?)

I do not want to have any say, feeling, response or thought at all (silent or other) about  what you do, how you do it or why you do it. i respect whatever choice you make, simply because you're choosing. and i expect the same from you. 

Do you ever find yourself trying too hard to be good?  (Come on...you know you do.) Trying too hard to convince yourself and everyone around you, you are saintly, nice and live by the golden rules? Do you ever feel that you just want to scream: We're human-get over it!!!!

I know that when my words or actions place me in a position of telling you how to behave, I feel awful. It is SO wrong. I know that in the depths of my soul, even when it shows up in the most subtle of ways, when I use the excuse of guidelines, or boundaries, or this is my business......when I make stuff up to fit my ego driven humanness; that I find myself quickly doing the walk of shame. It feels terrible, really terrible. In these moments I am so deeply aware of forgetting God, of forgetting love....I feel sick.  I really want to not care what you do. None of it. I do a pretty good job of this - I live an honest existence of allowing others to be - yet, there are rare times when I kick myself in the butt with this thing of judging what you do - and boy, it is a very uncomfortable, painful, HUGE spiritual 2 x 4. Right upside my head. Damn, that hurts.   

So, once again I thank an unknown to you soul, who majestically entered my life to allow me to see this dried up popcorn kernel seed in the depth of my spirit - this  ego driven piece of yuckiness. (This doesn't mean I want you back in my life, it just means next time, I will do it differently.) Once again I will go to my client guidelines and change things, create new information, tweak the ideas, offer it a new way. One day, I can only pray, that in this incarnation, I will get it "right". I will be able to feel truly and honestly so separate from your stuff, so centered in my own knowing, that no matter what your lovely, majestic and beautiful self does; it has no affect on me.