Wednesday, May 14, 2014

after all else is gone..............

This is my first middle of the night early morning visit of private computer liaison-ing in our new home. (One of my favorite pastimes. The house is quiet, life is asleep, darkness of the nighttime offers  different sounds, noises and vibrations than when the sun is awake. This is one of those precious things my eldest brother and i have in common; up and at it when everyone else is resting.) My family and I have been moving since January - between packing, searching and unpacking; which is still not yet complete - and it is May. That's correct, five months of life. Feeling necessary and wasteful all at the same time. Ugh. Necessary - how else to move ones family and sixty years of life without giving time and attention to the all encumbering process, and wasteful for I have been taken up with 'stuff' other than what I love, what feeds me, what nurtures me and makes me feel whole - was there another way?

House searching, the entire purchasing process, the art of negotiating; none of these my strong suit. Packing - touching, holding, caressing, thinking, pondering, gifting, selling, throwing; all of the tangible artifacts of ones life. And then there is the emotional bonds; what we know, our friends, the roads one drives every day, the people at the check out line at the grocery store, the loved ones, the beloveds, ones personal history, the stories, the birthplace; the all of it! Wow, talk about being unraveled. Yes, that is how it feels right now, I have been unraveled. This is one way to find out what is at my center - what holds me together, what truly is at the heart of me. How I pray to God I feel good about what I find. 

Really. Life does that. It unravels you, if you let it. Sure, we can keep going, dancing the dance of whatever it is we use to keep from seeing our own centers, our own hearts....we can continue the addictions, keep the crazy going, keep finding projects, things that are wrong, not right, out of alignment, seeking experiences to do or things that need fixing; or, we can be with ourselves and see what is left after all else is gone.

I am getting close. To the unraveled state. One more box. 16 days of daily unpacking. (Let us not ignore thirty days  of putting all the stuff IN the boxes!) One more box to open. Why did I leave it? Well, I need this shelf put in the closet in order to put the items in the one more box on....so, one more box. After that, there will be the rearranging, the moving from garage to attic to cellar. Then I also started yet another box of items I am still willing to part with - more stuff to sell, gift, give or toss. The accumulation of linear stuff is excruciatingly burdening. Yet, I was honestly not ready to do a more massive size down; and I did let many beloved items go - and yet there is still more.........

I left the arranging of my office for last. Yesterday it kicked my butt. The hallway was impossible to pass through, because all the boxes of stuff I had to unpack and fit into my office were taking up space in the hall while the paint dried inside the office. But, yesterday I started, and it truly kicked my butt. It is a much smaller space than my previous office. Much. I questioned; what do I really need to do my work? I need a space to sit and my clients need a place to sit. Other than that, it is all want. I want my desk, my files, my books. I like working  with  flower essences and crystals and offering body work on a healing massage table - but all I really NEED is two chairs across from one another and silence, privacy. That is what makes the space sacred. The eye contact - the meeting of two hearts, the holy connection. That is truly all I need. BUT, because I am obviously still too human and not enlightened enough to let go of all the 'stuff', I am wondering; how will it all fit? 

While searching for a home, in meditation one day when I knew this was the house, I asked God about the size of the office and was told I would be doing my work differently. My work would change. I always thought I was good with change so surprise on me, I am still fighting it. (ah, that trickster the ego!) Because of my faith that God knows more than I, I have absolutely no doubt, my new office space will become whatever lovely is on the linear plane and healing, hope and faith will emerge in this new room as it has in all my other work spaces; BUT i still don't see it. And perhaps I will not be totally unraveled until I do - until I can get up in the midst of the night, walk into my scared space, sit in my chair and speak with God, listen to God, feel my own Holy Connection - access that space which tells me all else is gone and THIS is what is left. This. This feeling of fullness, wholeness, connection no matter where one is, no matter where one lives no matter how far we travel from our linear homes - no matter how many places we nest, no matter how many boxes we pack and unpack; we always come home to God.

(You know what, I feel it right now. That space of Holy connection, that vibration of fullness...i found it again - did I? Was it lost? No, I was lost. The unraveled is always present - it just takes letting go of whatever we are in the midst of to feel it - get naked with our judgements, our thoughts - get out of our own ways - so we can feel the most precious of precious knowings; that after all else is gone, God Is.)