Sift & Sort

Sift & Sort

This writing is dedicated to my friend, “E”.  E is in her early 80’s, has Master degrees in counseling, psych and also theology – we have truly incredibly wonderful, thoughtful and deeply provoking conversations.

The other day we were in the car stirring each other up with ideas and thoughts when she said, it’s like sift and sort – that’s what we do, sift and sort.  My response was what a great title for a book…and she lost not one moment in saying, what a great title for a sermon! Yes, she is correct – what a great title for a talk from the heart of a lover/teacher of God.

It truly is all we do – sift and sort through life, through one idea at a time – or if you can multi think – through many ideas at one time. 

When we take on an idea, a thought, we live with it for a while, then what doesn’t work falls through the sifter (If we will only let them go!) of our experiences and what we can be left with are gold nuggets!  Gems. I love the vision of the ole’ prospector, placing the sifter in the  river and gently shaking it as the grains of sand fall through to go back in the water…and then watches to see what is left. Through sheer determination, one does it all over again, and again, and again; determined to find the golden nuggets. Many days I feel like that prospector – seeking the golden nugget.

E and I sift and sort all day long. E has short term memory loss. We are constantly sorting through what is what, and how are we going to, and what is what; again. And then we sift - through the old stories, which are quite formidably at the forefront of her mind and heart. Which story does she keep? Is there a new way of looking at it? 

There are moments when I come to the heart centered realization that I signed up with her through a spiritual contract to attempt to support the journey of choice with a traditionally educated Episcopalian theologian in her 80’s with dementia. Even E will look at me and say; Gods hand is in our relationship, you know. 

My heart has been so deeply blessed through this opportunity. I once was the girl who had all the answers and was rather unwavering in my presentation of them. Now, I have grown into a woman who knows there are no answers except love – and every day I am given experiences in which to live that out loud – by sifting and sorting through my responses, my actions and my expressions, being continually grateful to seek the Golden Nugget.

Spring Phoenix

watching my flower garden rise from winter blows my mind. the past three days i have been preparing for spring on our property. we moved here, where we now live, a year ago this month.  last year i did minimal land projects, planting a few shrubs, one tree and designing two flower beds...wanting to watch the sun and light through four seasons, how the trees bloomed and possibly over shadowed, what would grow where, what is the soil like...all those 'gardeny' like prospects. 

the biggest gift of last season was being given plants from my sister in law and brothers garden. she has been a gardener her whole life. brought up on a farm in Ohio, she is a daughter of the earth. she is a teacher, and knows all the names, and all the needs of each plant - just like the hundreds of little ones she has taught over the 45 year plus tenure as a teacher of k -4; she knows and knew what they each need(ed). 

so, back to the gift of these plants. last spring i drove my car to their home and filled the back of my car with plastic containers of cuttings. by the time we made it back to our new house, one plant looked dead but the others were still okay - i did my best to love them into the earth - i have no linear interest in the names of the plants, i only know what i like, what colors i want against my red house and how to make the garden be creatively pretty and balanced - but their names by pass me - and their needs only come to me by communicating with them. when i planted them i thought how great, to always have some of my brother and his wife's garden in my new garden - how sweet  and loving this is -  my brother is the eldest, i am the youngest of 5 and they being seventeen years older than me - the thought that i would always have something they nurtured, loved and grew from their yard, in my yard; felt very sweet. 

then my sister in law was diagnosis with cancer and these plants become a whole new kind of sweet.

this spring, as i fed, composted, dug in fresh dirt, watered, cleaned the flower beds from our harsh New England winter; all the plants have new life. they each have come up again, even the one that had died on the way back to our home from theirs on the initial car ride, is seizing the light of spring. 

as the plants renew, my beloved friend and sister in law continues her journey into the unknown - but yesterday when my husband and i visited them, i was able to share with her that each plant she gave me, made it, and they are several inches above the ground, prepared, fed and loved for their second season in our neck of the woods. 

she was thrilled. words no longer come easily from her mouth, but she raised herself up and grabbed my hand and dragged me to the door, moving pretty fast i might say - and took me to the garden. as we walked behind the house, the garden was clear, it had been raked and loved. i looked at her and said who? and she said 'Justin', her son. he had given her, and in that moment, us, such an amazing gift, of cleaning up her beloved garden. she lost her balance as she leaned over to touch a bud and grabbed my arm, but we managed, as we do. she struggled to get any proper plant names out, as the mass in her brain has its way with her cognitive skills - but we stood in her back yard watching life renew itself for another season, together.

yes, one of those moments which stays embedded in your heart and mind, written on ones soul. 

as we watch and witness people we love enter into the winter of their journey, the idea that we are renewed in some way; is the comfort. the idea that we shall each rise in some way - the belief that the memories we leave behind us are not the only form of life for our souls in this entire infinite universe, but that we truly do continue to be  - well, this is my belief - i believe we somehow do continue to be and that life is renewed, as nature is showing me - and each day i see green peeking through the dirt rising higher and higher, shifting angles, opening more and more, becoming more like itself in full bloom - yet stronger than the year before; deeper roots, more buds, increased life - 

i look to nature to know about life, and it has never steered me wrong - so i maintain this as my truth - renewal, increased strength, more and more and more; not less and less and less, but again and again and again. ................................................

Miracles

i love miracles - talking about them, expecting them, acknowledging them. of course, it may be easy for me, for i believe everything is a miracle - a miracle being anything which is created or accomplished by an outside force of good which many think of or state as God. i believe God is responsible for all the good i see in my life experience - therefore, it is all a miracle! i find this exciting, inspiring and illuminating.

this must mean then, that if i believe God is responsible for all the good in my life, it is not me, i can take no credit for it - except wait, how does that work?  

what about co partnership? i believe in God the good, and therefore i see God the good. i truly believe i am NOT responsible for any good here - it is ALL God - i could no more create a flower than heal the sick - BUT i CAN and i DO believe that the miracle of God and the Universal Life Force of pure Light Blessed energy CAN and DOES!

in talking about the miracles i experienced today it would be a very long list - i awoke, i breathed - i loved - a friend gave birth to a child - i met a beautiful family at lunch with a little 9 month old light beaming soul who shared glances and smiles with me - another friend gifted me a lovely lunch -- the teller at the bank was delightful! - as i was laughing with a dear friend, a beloved teacher i haven't seen in years came in, sat down, did her work, paid for our breakfast and left! and when my breakfast friend sat down we could not even talk, we just looked at each other and laughed!
in coming home, my grass is turning green - spring flowers are rising,

in expecting miracles, i expect life in every moment, i expect love, peace, joy, courage, sustenance.....all of it! and when i am not seeing this love and peace i expect, i check in with my inner guidance and silently ask why - what is it i need to shift in order to change what i am seeing? what is my partnership investment in this experience? how can i get out of the way God so you can come through?

and this blog acknowledges them - my prayers, my gratitude, my life, my sharing, my teaching; at all times, i hope, expanding upon the foundation of my faith in a God which is Good beyond my expectations - and supplies me daily with all i want and need.