feelings

i have been experiencing a conundrum recently. and more and more it, this particular conundrum, continues to show its face. another words, more and more folks are willing to show up and push an uncomfortable button for me, so i have to see something. i believe it all became clear in my morning meditation. since i know any and all writing referring to our emotional life is a bridge we share as humans, i will now share with you my teeny, tiny, minute, speck of a speck of awakening awareness.

first off, let me share, i have done this work. BUT there are always ongoing moments in our personal expansion where a teaching, an awareness, goes into new layers, updated wounds, present experiences...and behold!  recently, for a bit of background or rather a jumping off point; i have been deeply challenged with other humans, their responses or non responses, the way we treat one another, peoples lack of kindness....etc., etc., etc.. and tie that all up with a longing to communicate, but challenged and feeling this is so not where i want to be, we are obviously so far apart on this matter, that i am not communicating........ which is very much not me, causing me more discomfort. yes, conundrum.

i spoke with God this morning, and all others in the world of Light, who love and support me, to show me the way through this jungle. two people are waiting for responses, deserving responses, and i am 'holding back'. i am not a natural at the holding pattern. it is not my comfort zone. over the past few weeks certain historical comments were playing through my memory; one was a former minister/mentor who once told me i would be a great minister, if i only liked people. i have given that fleeting comment much attention over the past 12 years. and this morning i brought it up again in my one on one with God. it went along with my stated truth; i do not like to chat about human emotion. i like to lead folks to seeing the God in a situation, to think about God, to bring love into any situation, to support them to call themselves up higher, to give God and our faith the front row seat in any experience, conversation, action; but to dwell on human emotion is not where i want to be. i realized i did not want to respond for many reasons; the first and foremost was that it was all about human emotion. going back and forth about  human emotions is like a boring game of ping pong. we will not get anywhere - until we turn our face and heart to God.

then this happened: i sat and breathed the mantra; I trust God....and waited. I visioned it tattooed on my left forearm, TRUST GOD.

God:
Deborah these are YOUR feelings.

1. Do not feel guilt, shame or judgement about your feelings.They are just your feelings. Its okay, they are just what you feel. That's it, they are for you, not for them. And their feelings are for them, not for you. You don't have to do anything with their feelings and they are not responsible for doing anything with or for yours.

2. Do not blame anyone else for your feelings. No other person, nor their actions or responses, or non responses are responsible for your feelings.

3. Own your feelings. Stand with them. No shame, no judgement. They are simply what you feel. Its okay. There is no right or wrong, remember?  Share if the relationship requires it, or if you so want to; but share in standing with them as your own, without expectations the other person will change to make you feel better.


A weight lifted. The room became lighter. This which I know and teach and have used in mediation over and over again; went to a new level with in me.

Then I went back to a couple of months ago when a FaceBook friend wrote about; how do we speak our truth? and one response was, 'no one else is interested, people only hear what they want to'. and my thought is always, people only hear what they are able to. the vibration of a statement has to correlate with a vibration in their own energy field in order for the truth to have a landing spot, a bridge to connect with, the silent language skills of the thought. we cannot be responsible for another persons reactions. we cannot blame anyone for not hearing us or getting us or seeing us. we cannot hide from our own feelings, or own truths of what we are being in a moment of time. we cannot force. we cannot make ourselves or anyone else wrong. we must, as mediation offers, stand with one another in love; even when it is most uncomfortable.

i have discovered through this uncomfortable journey of time recently, i was blaming others, holding them accountable, not liking the fact that i was not liking them, judging all over the place, myself mostly and them. and yet, there is the HUMAN part which just makes me want to shut the door and run. do not pull me in there, i will not go with you, i stand here with God, with what are my feelings, and just are that, my feelings. and  if we stand in different spots, we stand apart and we must let that be okay and TRUST.