feelings

i have been experiencing a conundrum recently. and more and more it, this particular conundrum, continues to show its face. another words, more and more folks are willing to show up and push an uncomfortable button for me, so i have to see something. i believe it all became clear in my morning meditation. since i know any and all writing referring to our emotional life is a bridge we share as humans, i will now share with you my teeny, tiny, minute, speck of a speck of awakening awareness.

first off, let me share, i have done this work. BUT there are always ongoing moments in our personal expansion where a teaching, an awareness, goes into new layers, updated wounds, present experiences...and behold!  recently, for a bit of background or rather a jumping off point; i have been deeply challenged with other humans, their responses or non responses, the way we treat one another, peoples lack of kindness....etc., etc., etc.. and tie that all up with a longing to communicate, but challenged and feeling this is so not where i want to be, we are obviously so far apart on this matter, that i am not communicating........ which is very much not me, causing me more discomfort. yes, conundrum.

i spoke with God this morning, and all others in the world of Light, who love and support me, to show me the way through this jungle. two people are waiting for responses, deserving responses, and i am 'holding back'. i am not a natural at the holding pattern. it is not my comfort zone. over the past few weeks certain historical comments were playing through my memory; one was a former minister/mentor who once told me i would be a great minister, if i only liked people. i have given that fleeting comment much attention over the past 12 years. and this morning i brought it up again in my one on one with God. it went along with my stated truth; i do not like to chat about human emotion. i like to lead folks to seeing the God in a situation, to think about God, to bring love into any situation, to support them to call themselves up higher, to give God and our faith the front row seat in any experience, conversation, action; but to dwell on human emotion is not where i want to be. i realized i did not want to respond for many reasons; the first and foremost was that it was all about human emotion. going back and forth about  human emotions is like a boring game of ping pong. we will not get anywhere - until we turn our face and heart to God.

then this happened: i sat and breathed the mantra; I trust God....and waited. I visioned it tattooed on my left forearm, TRUST GOD.

God:
Deborah these are YOUR feelings.

1. Do not feel guilt, shame or judgement about your feelings.They are just your feelings. Its okay, they are just what you feel. That's it, they are for you, not for them. And their feelings are for them, not for you. You don't have to do anything with their feelings and they are not responsible for doing anything with or for yours.

2. Do not blame anyone else for your feelings. No other person, nor their actions or responses, or non responses are responsible for your feelings.

3. Own your feelings. Stand with them. No shame, no judgement. They are simply what you feel. Its okay. There is no right or wrong, remember?  Share if the relationship requires it, or if you so want to; but share in standing with them as your own, without expectations the other person will change to make you feel better.


A weight lifted. The room became lighter. This which I know and teach and have used in mediation over and over again; went to a new level with in me.

Then I went back to a couple of months ago when a FaceBook friend wrote about; how do we speak our truth? and one response was, 'no one else is interested, people only hear what they want to'. and my thought is always, people only hear what they are able to. the vibration of a statement has to correlate with a vibration in their own energy field in order for the truth to have a landing spot, a bridge to connect with, the silent language skills of the thought. we cannot be responsible for another persons reactions. we cannot blame anyone for not hearing us or getting us or seeing us. we cannot hide from our own feelings, or own truths of what we are being in a moment of time. we cannot force. we cannot make ourselves or anyone else wrong. we must, as mediation offers, stand with one another in love; even when it is most uncomfortable.

i have discovered through this uncomfortable journey of time recently, i was blaming others, holding them accountable, not liking the fact that i was not liking them, judging all over the place, myself mostly and them. and yet, there is the HUMAN part which just makes me want to shut the door and run. do not pull me in there, i will not go with you, i stand here with God, with what are my feelings, and just are that, my feelings. and  if we stand in different spots, we stand apart and we must let that be okay and TRUST.

Monkey Mind Inventory

I write unsure that my thoughts 'fit' this venue, as readers have been led to expect spiritual, God evolving ideas and stories....but i yearn to share, so be it. And, IT is all God......and IT is my blog, I can do this, right? My hope is to share without alienating any recipients. Please forgive me now, this makes both our lives easier.

I am in the midst of the book, "and I shall have some peace there". I purchased this little gem of a trade paperback, for  the understated  sale price of $7.98  in my favorite Northampton book shop. Drawn once again to yet another book of a woman seeking herself among this road of human emotions and heart wrenching callings. This is a memoir by a woman, Margaret Roach, who was Martha Stewart's right hand person until she left the big M conglomerate, in search of peace outside the NYC life, to live on her small farm, which sits atop a knoll on the other side of the Massachusetts Berkshires in New York - in order, to garden. And left unsaid; to find her sanity once again, if she ever had it all.

Those of you who know me, know I live on an old farm homestead in the midst of 38 acres, in quiet hard to leave solitude. Since moving here almost four years ago, any social life outside these two hundred year old walls has become almost, thanks to die hard patient friends, null and void. In this tiny New England town of Boxford, it is yet another below freezing January morning. Sitting with tea in bed seems perfectly fitting. But i did not begin to write until i put on my brand new L.L. Bean delivered and washed yesterday extra soft cotton on sale long underwear,  UNDER my pajamas of sweats and  my husbands extra large all cotton long underwear top. Yes, i am chilled cold to the bone.Take to imagine a mature yet light hearted most of the time woman in bed with layers of our favorite fabric in all sorts of patterns and thicknesses, donning a purple knit hat, bespectacled, alone in her king sized bed for her hard working mate is off to work, typing away to make sense of her interior monkey mind thoughts. Oh, and sipping ginger tea.

Well, there is the set up. What this is really about is I have an ominous  birthday this year of 2014. I have never been one to be concerned with age. For the better parts of my 20's on, i never really knew my age, i had to do the math to be sure that I was being honest when anyone asked. I have friends of all ages. But this year, this year I know. It feels significant. And every day since New Years Eve, I have given it some thought. Not out of fear, but out of I believe, disappointment; as well as interest in being aware of this process of aging.

In recent years i have been aware of not belonging to the present or near present social generation, nor do I wish to. Yes, that sounds pompous, sad and a bit discouraging, but it is honest. I can look at People magazine and not know a soul. I do not like most of the music. I prefer hard beige file folders to keeping it all on the computer. I like to feel what I read, touch a tangible something. I will never get a Kindle. I am also very proper, not causal. I use real napkins, polish silver and do not like paper plates. I like manners and 'no problem' is not an appropriate response under any realm. I have flexible yet staunch lines of expected behavior when one is a guest and i expect others to know what they are, which of course, many do not. This is my problem, not theirs. I am aware enough to appreciate our differences, but some may say New England enough and WASP enough to still want them to know.  Fortunately for my own mental health  I am a woman of God, a faith filled soul and my love for everyone overrides my menial and unimportant provincial expectations; yet, they remain.  

I am tired. I am not sure if two weeks in the Caribbean would help, but given the opportunity I would try it.  I spend more and more time in my studio creating art. I am looking for new ways to create money flow in my life. I am seeking to live more out-loud than i have been. Some may say that would be hard to do, but I look at myself, take a soon to be 60 year inventory and see that i am relatively uninteresting. I never really thought so, but in looking out at so many courageous and interesting people, i have lived a very mundane, uninteresting life. My world on this earth plane is very small. This type of realization makes me wonder if I have made a difference at all?

As I look at my younger friends and acquaintances, I see them seeking to do self righteous work under the realm of service in order to better other peoples lives. (How many of us do this in order to avoid looking at our own?) I to, along with many of my sisterhood and some brotherhood, have taken this path, perhaps that is why i see it so clearly. I have loved and am humbled to have lived a small life of service. I hung a shingle of minster, healer, counselor and have met and served a few along the way; but it has remained relatively small and I do not believe earth shattering, as my ego had intentioned. A few partnerships have been life lending, and may even have been life saving, but in truth, it has not been the huge venue I had envisioned. I am just a regular person, not Mother Teresa.   

I have never been one called to travel in order to find spiritual comfort. I have never been one in search of anything over there. I am in pure joy in the supermarket when i run into an old friend and they stop to share time with me. That has been enough.

I enjoy my own company and often wonder how egoistical is that?  I do not enjoy talking on the phone. I use to love to sit  and delve into all the monkey mind stuff. Now it is a bit exhausting.  I love to pray alone.  I want to talk about God all the time. I want to be in joy. I want to be wild, to be free of all my shoulds. I love to paint, to create, to produce anything which will bring more joy to another persons life and also relieve me of my interior bottled up 'whatevers'. 

So, today i lounge in bed, freeing my mind of thoughts, relishing in an ongoing inventory of this life i have led and am in.  As we turn 60, if anything at all, we really should try to be as an honest with ourselves as we can be. I really want to just hang in bed today; read, write. I really want to paint today.  I really want to not answer the phone today. I really want to be humbling honest and simply be who i am in the midst of everyone's opinions and stuff. i have learned that JOY is an inside job. I have learned that i may say this now, and a moment latter I may feel something different. Everything changes.  I have learned that no one can help you but yourself; you must do your own work.  I have learned that God is everything. All I have, from the clothes on my body to food, to friends to love; comes to me through the Creator. I do nothing, God does it all. God pays me, feeds me, houses me. 

Oh, so i did make it around to a spiritual venue after all.............