Sift & Sort

Sift & Sort

This writing is dedicated to my friend, “E”.  E is in her early 80’s, has Master degrees in counseling, psych and also theology – we have truly incredibly wonderful, thoughtful and deeply provoking conversations.

The other day we were in the car stirring each other up with ideas and thoughts when she said, it’s like sift and sort – that’s what we do, sift and sort.  My response was what a great title for a book…and she lost not one moment in saying, what a great title for a sermon! Yes, she is correct – what a great title for a talk from the heart of a lover/teacher of God.

It truly is all we do – sift and sort through life, through one idea at a time – or if you can multi think – through many ideas at one time. 

When we take on an idea, a thought, we live with it for a while, then what doesn’t work falls through the sifter (If we will only let them go!) of our experiences and what we can be left with are gold nuggets!  Gems. I love the vision of the ole’ prospector, placing the sifter in the  river and gently shaking it as the grains of sand fall through to go back in the water…and then watches to see what is left. Through sheer determination, one does it all over again, and again, and again; determined to find the golden nuggets. Many days I feel like that prospector – seeking the golden nugget.

E and I sift and sort all day long. E has short term memory loss. We are constantly sorting through what is what, and how are we going to, and what is what; again. And then we sift - through the old stories, which are quite formidably at the forefront of her mind and heart. Which story does she keep? Is there a new way of looking at it? 

There are moments when I come to the heart centered realization that I signed up with her through a spiritual contract to attempt to support the journey of choice with a traditionally educated Episcopalian theologian in her 80’s with dementia. Even E will look at me and say; Gods hand is in our relationship, you know. 

My heart has been so deeply blessed through this opportunity. I once was the girl who had all the answers and was rather unwavering in my presentation of them. Now, I have grown into a woman who knows there are no answers except love – and every day I am given experiences in which to live that out loud – by sifting and sorting through my responses, my actions and my expressions, being continually grateful to seek the Golden Nugget.

Spring Phoenix

watching my flower garden rise from winter blows my mind. the past three days i have been preparing for spring on our property. we moved here, where we now live, a year ago this month.  last year i did minimal land projects, planting a few shrubs, one tree and designing two flower beds...wanting to watch the sun and light through four seasons, how the trees bloomed and possibly over shadowed, what would grow where, what is the soil like...all those 'gardeny' like prospects. 

the biggest gift of last season was being given plants from my sister in law and brothers garden. she has been a gardener her whole life. brought up on a farm in Ohio, she is a daughter of the earth. she is a teacher, and knows all the names, and all the needs of each plant - just like the hundreds of little ones she has taught over the 45 year plus tenure as a teacher of k -4; she knows and knew what they each need(ed). 

so, back to the gift of these plants. last spring i drove my car to their home and filled the back of my car with plastic containers of cuttings. by the time we made it back to our new house, one plant looked dead but the others were still okay - i did my best to love them into the earth - i have no linear interest in the names of the plants, i only know what i like, what colors i want against my red house and how to make the garden be creatively pretty and balanced - but their names by pass me - and their needs only come to me by communicating with them. when i planted them i thought how great, to always have some of my brother and his wife's garden in my new garden - how sweet  and loving this is -  my brother is the eldest, i am the youngest of 5 and they being seventeen years older than me - the thought that i would always have something they nurtured, loved and grew from their yard, in my yard; felt very sweet. 

then my sister in law was diagnosis with cancer and these plants become a whole new kind of sweet.

this spring, as i fed, composted, dug in fresh dirt, watered, cleaned the flower beds from our harsh New England winter; all the plants have new life. they each have come up again, even the one that had died on the way back to our home from theirs on the initial car ride, is seizing the light of spring. 

as the plants renew, my beloved friend and sister in law continues her journey into the unknown - but yesterday when my husband and i visited them, i was able to share with her that each plant she gave me, made it, and they are several inches above the ground, prepared, fed and loved for their second season in our neck of the woods. 

she was thrilled. words no longer come easily from her mouth, but she raised herself up and grabbed my hand and dragged me to the door, moving pretty fast i might say - and took me to the garden. as we walked behind the house, the garden was clear, it had been raked and loved. i looked at her and said who? and she said 'Justin', her son. he had given her, and in that moment, us, such an amazing gift, of cleaning up her beloved garden. she lost her balance as she leaned over to touch a bud and grabbed my arm, but we managed, as we do. she struggled to get any proper plant names out, as the mass in her brain has its way with her cognitive skills - but we stood in her back yard watching life renew itself for another season, together.

yes, one of those moments which stays embedded in your heart and mind, written on ones soul. 

as we watch and witness people we love enter into the winter of their journey, the idea that we are renewed in some way; is the comfort. the idea that we shall each rise in some way - the belief that the memories we leave behind us are not the only form of life for our souls in this entire infinite universe, but that we truly do continue to be  - well, this is my belief - i believe we somehow do continue to be and that life is renewed, as nature is showing me - and each day i see green peeking through the dirt rising higher and higher, shifting angles, opening more and more, becoming more like itself in full bloom - yet stronger than the year before; deeper roots, more buds, increased life - 

i look to nature to know about life, and it has never steered me wrong - so i maintain this as my truth - renewal, increased strength, more and more and more; not less and less and less, but again and again and again. ................................................

Miracles

i love miracles - talking about them, expecting them, acknowledging them. of course, it may be easy for me, for i believe everything is a miracle - a miracle being anything which is created or accomplished by an outside force of good which many think of or state as God. i believe God is responsible for all the good i see in my life experience - therefore, it is all a miracle! i find this exciting, inspiring and illuminating.

this must mean then, that if i believe God is responsible for all the good in my life, it is not me, i can take no credit for it - except wait, how does that work?  

what about co partnership? i believe in God the good, and therefore i see God the good. i truly believe i am NOT responsible for any good here - it is ALL God - i could no more create a flower than heal the sick - BUT i CAN and i DO believe that the miracle of God and the Universal Life Force of pure Light Blessed energy CAN and DOES!

in talking about the miracles i experienced today it would be a very long list - i awoke, i breathed - i loved - a friend gave birth to a child - i met a beautiful family at lunch with a little 9 month old light beaming soul who shared glances and smiles with me - another friend gifted me a lovely lunch -- the teller at the bank was delightful! - as i was laughing with a dear friend, a beloved teacher i haven't seen in years came in, sat down, did her work, paid for our breakfast and left! and when my breakfast friend sat down we could not even talk, we just looked at each other and laughed!
in coming home, my grass is turning green - spring flowers are rising,

in expecting miracles, i expect life in every moment, i expect love, peace, joy, courage, sustenance.....all of it! and when i am not seeing this love and peace i expect, i check in with my inner guidance and silently ask why - what is it i need to shift in order to change what i am seeing? what is my partnership investment in this experience? how can i get out of the way God so you can come through?

and this blog acknowledges them - my prayers, my gratitude, my life, my sharing, my teaching; at all times, i hope, expanding upon the foundation of my faith in a God which is Good beyond my expectations - and supplies me daily with all i want and need. 

human notes from the ethers..................

I have rare moments when i consider what it might be like to have an accounting degree and know that is what I do, how I make a living, how I make money, how others see me, how I am defined.... and then I could hang a 12 x 16 inch, ordered by mail gold lettered, black background shingle on an office door, which by the way, is in a multi-floored, three elevator, twenty offices per floor,  business building with 200 other easy to understand what it is they do work alcoholics and offer to the world a linear job description which rings of basic, easy to comprehend answers when one asks you at one of the many cocktail parties or after work mixers; what do you do ?............but, alas, such is not what i signed up for this life time.

I am first of all a woman of God, a minister, a teacher of metaphysics, of faith, of Love - yet I am also; an Empath, Master Energy Intuitive, an Emotional Intuitive and a bit of medium-ship often pops up as well as clairvoyance & clairaudience. Makes it hard to know what to put on a 12 x 16 sign.  I have been doing this life consciously and by my own choice and deep gratitude since I became aware of these gifts for over twenty years. I have been living this life unconsciously since I was born. Living with me is not easy; ask myself or my very patient, loving, kind, husband.(However, do not ask my son who thinks I am crazy.)

Being an empath, I have learned to live with. I no longer pick up other peoples unwanted emotions or illnesses; I hold very healthy boundaries, i am not susceptible to another persons pain. I am very fortunate and grateful for this.  

But, yet and also; being an Emotional Intuitive, my heart is open to other persons emotional personality, my emotional radar is constantly on, sighting one who is lying to themselves, not being honest, in great pain, sad, nervous, afraid, and then it has another layer of where this comes from, what the seed is and then i am able to offer shifts to put new order to the interior chaos of what is showing up in ones life; but only if one chooses to listen, hear and act. And here is my ongoing issue, what do i do with all this to benefit others? What good does this do?

Like any addict, until someone is ready, they will not stop. It is true with anyone. Until WE as individuals are ready to make a change, we will not seek to do so. Be that this is truth and an Energy Medicine 101 facet - some days all that i am able to 'see' can be deafening.  I retreat to bed and stay.  Yes, I do spend much time alone, in contemplation, prayer and simply being.

Example: Recently a client who left her body and went home to the Light. She did not walk this spiritual path of awakening consciously - she had a very rare form of lung cancer (lungs representing fear of life) and she graciously and determinedly came to me till she literally could no longer make the walk from her car to my door. Our times together were beautiful. She received well. I know our communion supported her in many ways - BUT, when I gently would prod at the fear piece, when I could see that materialism was her addiction, when I knew she was lying to ma & herself about her life; she was not ready and could not and would not see any of that. I love(d) her, our time was lovely and I know on a conscious and unconscious level the work, talks and love certainly supported her journey. She passed right before I moved to our new home. 

I realize every one's journey is unique to them, I know all the intellectual and metaphysical and spiritual truth and rules and guidance; but my emotional body sees anothers' healing potential and I want so very much to support someone to walk through and make the shifts. In this case, i was not able to; it was  written. I get it, but i am still humanly frustrated. 

I recently met her husband. He came to me for a session, knowing how much his wife loved coming to me. The saddest thing for me was all my thoughts, all my knowing were confirmed. Every single intuit I had about her was confirmed by him - not because i asked, heavens no!; but through casual conversation and sharings......all i had intuit was revealed to be her truth. One of the times when; 'oh, i was right, damn'. 

Then I question should I have pushed? I know the answer, but i still wonder. I ask over and over, gave her many times to see the truth, I guided her to it gently, i did my job...it simply was not meant to be.

Knowing what to do with such gifts or purpose has been and remains the challenge for me. This work is a dance - and to serve the highest purpose possible, which is my clients/humanity's freedom, we must dance the dance of honesty of oneself. It is not easy to meet someone and know more about them than they see themselves. It is very awkward.  It does no purpose, unless a person chooses to invite me into their lives and support their journey to Self, to God, to understanding Love. The ones who have done this, the souls who have, with such humble courage, invited me into their hearts - there are no words for my gratitude. Without you, I do not live my purpose, my calling. My gifts serve no good. And to be honest, I simply want more of that, I want to live my calling every day, to serve humanity one soul at a time - or perhaps in a group, but I want to be doing this.  I see the highest in you, the most magnificent Divinity which you came from - and I can help you see it also.....if you want to.

after all else is gone..............

This is my first middle of the night early morning visit of private computer liaison-ing in our new home. (One of my favorite pastimes. The house is quiet, life is asleep, darkness of the nighttime offers  different sounds, noises and vibrations than when the sun is awake. This is one of those precious things my eldest brother and i have in common; up and at it when everyone else is resting.) My family and I have been moving since January - between packing, searching and unpacking; which is still not yet complete - and it is May. That's correct, five months of life. Feeling necessary and wasteful all at the same time. Ugh. Necessary - how else to move ones family and sixty years of life without giving time and attention to the all encumbering process, and wasteful for I have been taken up with 'stuff' other than what I love, what feeds me, what nurtures me and makes me feel whole - was there another way?

House searching, the entire purchasing process, the art of negotiating; none of these my strong suit. Packing - touching, holding, caressing, thinking, pondering, gifting, selling, throwing; all of the tangible artifacts of ones life. And then there is the emotional bonds; what we know, our friends, the roads one drives every day, the people at the check out line at the grocery store, the loved ones, the beloveds, ones personal history, the stories, the birthplace; the all of it! Wow, talk about being unraveled. Yes, that is how it feels right now, I have been unraveled. This is one way to find out what is at my center - what holds me together, what truly is at the heart of me. How I pray to God I feel good about what I find. 

Really. Life does that. It unravels you, if you let it. Sure, we can keep going, dancing the dance of whatever it is we use to keep from seeing our own centers, our own hearts....we can continue the addictions, keep the crazy going, keep finding projects, things that are wrong, not right, out of alignment, seeking experiences to do or things that need fixing; or, we can be with ourselves and see what is left after all else is gone.

I am getting close. To the unraveled state. One more box. 16 days of daily unpacking. (Let us not ignore thirty days  of putting all the stuff IN the boxes!) One more box to open. Why did I leave it? Well, I need this shelf put in the closet in order to put the items in the one more box on....so, one more box. After that, there will be the rearranging, the moving from garage to attic to cellar. Then I also started yet another box of items I am still willing to part with - more stuff to sell, gift, give or toss. The accumulation of linear stuff is excruciatingly burdening. Yet, I was honestly not ready to do a more massive size down; and I did let many beloved items go - and yet there is still more.........

I left the arranging of my office for last. Yesterday it kicked my butt. The hallway was impossible to pass through, because all the boxes of stuff I had to unpack and fit into my office were taking up space in the hall while the paint dried inside the office. But, yesterday I started, and it truly kicked my butt. It is a much smaller space than my previous office. Much. I questioned; what do I really need to do my work? I need a space to sit and my clients need a place to sit. Other than that, it is all want. I want my desk, my files, my books. I like working  with  flower essences and crystals and offering body work on a healing massage table - but all I really NEED is two chairs across from one another and silence, privacy. That is what makes the space sacred. The eye contact - the meeting of two hearts, the holy connection. That is truly all I need. BUT, because I am obviously still too human and not enlightened enough to let go of all the 'stuff', I am wondering; how will it all fit? 

While searching for a home, in meditation one day when I knew this was the house, I asked God about the size of the office and was told I would be doing my work differently. My work would change. I always thought I was good with change so surprise on me, I am still fighting it. (ah, that trickster the ego!) Because of my faith that God knows more than I, I have absolutely no doubt, my new office space will become whatever lovely is on the linear plane and healing, hope and faith will emerge in this new room as it has in all my other work spaces; BUT i still don't see it. And perhaps I will not be totally unraveled until I do - until I can get up in the midst of the night, walk into my scared space, sit in my chair and speak with God, listen to God, feel my own Holy Connection - access that space which tells me all else is gone and THIS is what is left. This. This feeling of fullness, wholeness, connection no matter where one is, no matter where one lives no matter how far we travel from our linear homes - no matter how many places we nest, no matter how many boxes we pack and unpack; we always come home to God.

(You know what, I feel it right now. That space of Holy connection, that vibration of fullness...i found it again - did I? Was it lost? No, I was lost. The unraveled is always present - it just takes letting go of whatever we are in the midst of to feel it - get naked with our judgements, our thoughts - get out of our own ways - so we can feel the most precious of precious knowings; that after all else is gone, God Is.)

feelings

i have been experiencing a conundrum recently. and more and more it, this particular conundrum, continues to show its face. another words, more and more folks are willing to show up and push an uncomfortable button for me, so i have to see something. i believe it all became clear in my morning meditation. since i know any and all writing referring to our emotional life is a bridge we share as humans, i will now share with you my teeny, tiny, minute, speck of a speck of awakening awareness.

first off, let me share, i have done this work. BUT there are always ongoing moments in our personal expansion where a teaching, an awareness, goes into new layers, updated wounds, present experiences...and behold!  recently, for a bit of background or rather a jumping off point; i have been deeply challenged with other humans, their responses or non responses, the way we treat one another, peoples lack of kindness....etc., etc., etc.. and tie that all up with a longing to communicate, but challenged and feeling this is so not where i want to be, we are obviously so far apart on this matter, that i am not communicating........ which is very much not me, causing me more discomfort. yes, conundrum.

i spoke with God this morning, and all others in the world of Light, who love and support me, to show me the way through this jungle. two people are waiting for responses, deserving responses, and i am 'holding back'. i am not a natural at the holding pattern. it is not my comfort zone. over the past few weeks certain historical comments were playing through my memory; one was a former minister/mentor who once told me i would be a great minister, if i only liked people. i have given that fleeting comment much attention over the past 12 years. and this morning i brought it up again in my one on one with God. it went along with my stated truth; i do not like to chat about human emotion. i like to lead folks to seeing the God in a situation, to think about God, to bring love into any situation, to support them to call themselves up higher, to give God and our faith the front row seat in any experience, conversation, action; but to dwell on human emotion is not where i want to be. i realized i did not want to respond for many reasons; the first and foremost was that it was all about human emotion. going back and forth about  human emotions is like a boring game of ping pong. we will not get anywhere - until we turn our face and heart to God.

then this happened: i sat and breathed the mantra; I trust God....and waited. I visioned it tattooed on my left forearm, TRUST GOD.

God:
Deborah these are YOUR feelings.

1. Do not feel guilt, shame or judgement about your feelings.They are just your feelings. Its okay, they are just what you feel. That's it, they are for you, not for them. And their feelings are for them, not for you. You don't have to do anything with their feelings and they are not responsible for doing anything with or for yours.

2. Do not blame anyone else for your feelings. No other person, nor their actions or responses, or non responses are responsible for your feelings.

3. Own your feelings. Stand with them. No shame, no judgement. They are simply what you feel. Its okay. There is no right or wrong, remember?  Share if the relationship requires it, or if you so want to; but share in standing with them as your own, without expectations the other person will change to make you feel better.


A weight lifted. The room became lighter. This which I know and teach and have used in mediation over and over again; went to a new level with in me.

Then I went back to a couple of months ago when a FaceBook friend wrote about; how do we speak our truth? and one response was, 'no one else is interested, people only hear what they want to'. and my thought is always, people only hear what they are able to. the vibration of a statement has to correlate with a vibration in their own energy field in order for the truth to have a landing spot, a bridge to connect with, the silent language skills of the thought. we cannot be responsible for another persons reactions. we cannot blame anyone for not hearing us or getting us or seeing us. we cannot hide from our own feelings, or own truths of what we are being in a moment of time. we cannot force. we cannot make ourselves or anyone else wrong. we must, as mediation offers, stand with one another in love; even when it is most uncomfortable.

i have discovered through this uncomfortable journey of time recently, i was blaming others, holding them accountable, not liking the fact that i was not liking them, judging all over the place, myself mostly and them. and yet, there is the HUMAN part which just makes me want to shut the door and run. do not pull me in there, i will not go with you, i stand here with God, with what are my feelings, and just are that, my feelings. and  if we stand in different spots, we stand apart and we must let that be okay and TRUST.

Monkey Mind Inventory

I write unsure that my thoughts 'fit' this venue, as readers have been led to expect spiritual, God evolving ideas and stories....but i yearn to share, so be it. And, IT is all God......and IT is my blog, I can do this, right? My hope is to share without alienating any recipients. Please forgive me now, this makes both our lives easier.

I am in the midst of the book, "and I shall have some peace there". I purchased this little gem of a trade paperback, for  the understated  sale price of $7.98  in my favorite Northampton book shop. Drawn once again to yet another book of a woman seeking herself among this road of human emotions and heart wrenching callings. This is a memoir by a woman, Margaret Roach, who was Martha Stewart's right hand person until she left the big M conglomerate, in search of peace outside the NYC life, to live on her small farm, which sits atop a knoll on the other side of the Massachusetts Berkshires in New York - in order, to garden. And left unsaid; to find her sanity once again, if she ever had it all.

Those of you who know me, know I live on an old farm homestead in the midst of 38 acres, in quiet hard to leave solitude. Since moving here almost four years ago, any social life outside these two hundred year old walls has become almost, thanks to die hard patient friends, null and void. In this tiny New England town of Boxford, it is yet another below freezing January morning. Sitting with tea in bed seems perfectly fitting. But i did not begin to write until i put on my brand new L.L. Bean delivered and washed yesterday extra soft cotton on sale long underwear,  UNDER my pajamas of sweats and  my husbands extra large all cotton long underwear top. Yes, i am chilled cold to the bone.Take to imagine a mature yet light hearted most of the time woman in bed with layers of our favorite fabric in all sorts of patterns and thicknesses, donning a purple knit hat, bespectacled, alone in her king sized bed for her hard working mate is off to work, typing away to make sense of her interior monkey mind thoughts. Oh, and sipping ginger tea.

Well, there is the set up. What this is really about is I have an ominous  birthday this year of 2014. I have never been one to be concerned with age. For the better parts of my 20's on, i never really knew my age, i had to do the math to be sure that I was being honest when anyone asked. I have friends of all ages. But this year, this year I know. It feels significant. And every day since New Years Eve, I have given it some thought. Not out of fear, but out of I believe, disappointment; as well as interest in being aware of this process of aging.

In recent years i have been aware of not belonging to the present or near present social generation, nor do I wish to. Yes, that sounds pompous, sad and a bit discouraging, but it is honest. I can look at People magazine and not know a soul. I do not like most of the music. I prefer hard beige file folders to keeping it all on the computer. I like to feel what I read, touch a tangible something. I will never get a Kindle. I am also very proper, not causal. I use real napkins, polish silver and do not like paper plates. I like manners and 'no problem' is not an appropriate response under any realm. I have flexible yet staunch lines of expected behavior when one is a guest and i expect others to know what they are, which of course, many do not. This is my problem, not theirs. I am aware enough to appreciate our differences, but some may say New England enough and WASP enough to still want them to know.  Fortunately for my own mental health  I am a woman of God, a faith filled soul and my love for everyone overrides my menial and unimportant provincial expectations; yet, they remain.  

I am tired. I am not sure if two weeks in the Caribbean would help, but given the opportunity I would try it.  I spend more and more time in my studio creating art. I am looking for new ways to create money flow in my life. I am seeking to live more out-loud than i have been. Some may say that would be hard to do, but I look at myself, take a soon to be 60 year inventory and see that i am relatively uninteresting. I never really thought so, but in looking out at so many courageous and interesting people, i have lived a very mundane, uninteresting life. My world on this earth plane is very small. This type of realization makes me wonder if I have made a difference at all?

As I look at my younger friends and acquaintances, I see them seeking to do self righteous work under the realm of service in order to better other peoples lives. (How many of us do this in order to avoid looking at our own?) I to, along with many of my sisterhood and some brotherhood, have taken this path, perhaps that is why i see it so clearly. I have loved and am humbled to have lived a small life of service. I hung a shingle of minster, healer, counselor and have met and served a few along the way; but it has remained relatively small and I do not believe earth shattering, as my ego had intentioned. A few partnerships have been life lending, and may even have been life saving, but in truth, it has not been the huge venue I had envisioned. I am just a regular person, not Mother Teresa.   

I have never been one called to travel in order to find spiritual comfort. I have never been one in search of anything over there. I am in pure joy in the supermarket when i run into an old friend and they stop to share time with me. That has been enough.

I enjoy my own company and often wonder how egoistical is that?  I do not enjoy talking on the phone. I use to love to sit  and delve into all the monkey mind stuff. Now it is a bit exhausting.  I love to pray alone.  I want to talk about God all the time. I want to be in joy. I want to be wild, to be free of all my shoulds. I love to paint, to create, to produce anything which will bring more joy to another persons life and also relieve me of my interior bottled up 'whatevers'. 

So, today i lounge in bed, freeing my mind of thoughts, relishing in an ongoing inventory of this life i have led and am in.  As we turn 60, if anything at all, we really should try to be as an honest with ourselves as we can be. I really want to just hang in bed today; read, write. I really want to paint today.  I really want to not answer the phone today. I really want to be humbling honest and simply be who i am in the midst of everyone's opinions and stuff. i have learned that JOY is an inside job. I have learned that i may say this now, and a moment latter I may feel something different. Everything changes.  I have learned that no one can help you but yourself; you must do your own work.  I have learned that God is everything. All I have, from the clothes on my body to food, to friends to love; comes to me through the Creator. I do nothing, God does it all. God pays me, feeds me, houses me. 

Oh, so i did make it around to a spiritual venue after all.............